So I’ve started to get this feeling that I was getting this time last year… and to sum it up in one word, it’s jealousy. I think it’s because it’s the summer; the weather is nice so people are outside having fun, going to the beach, going on holiday… In the winter when it’s cold and miserable everyone seems to hibernate, but when the sun’s out, everyone is happier and making the most of it. And it is broadcasted allllll over my Facebook newsfeed.. Pictures from holidays, statuses about fun spontaneous outings, people checking in to all sorts of places… It makes me so jealous!
Summer used to be my favourite time of the year.. I’m a bit of a beach bum at heart and most of my summers have been spent in Cornwall, particularly the last few leading up to my accident when I actually lived right by the beach in Polzeath. I would always be on the beach or in the sea.. doing whatever I felt like doing! I lived a pretty care free, spontaneous and selfish life while I lived in Cornwall. I worked enough to pay my way, I loved that there was hardly any phone signal so I could cut myself off from the world, and I lived on a caravan site with everyone else who worked in Polzeath. There were always people around to hang out with and no one made any plans in advance. It was literally a case of waking up in the morning, finding someone else who had a day off and deciding what to do… So yes it isn’t the most responsible of lifestyles, but it is a lot of fun.. and I miss the spontaneity and the carefree attitude so much. And I miss the beach and the sea even more.
I tend to not ever really talk about Cornwall and I completely block it out of my mind. I don’t like remembering the days when I didn’t have to plan everything in advance and could be completely independent. It makes my heart contract weirdly and my stomach feel slightly sick. I have been back to Cornwall once since my accident… it was quite soon after I came out of hospital, and although I enjoyed it, there were a lot of memories that resurfaced and I think maybe it was a bit too soon. I hadn’t in any way come to terms with my injury, so being in a place that I considered to be my second home and the location of so many of my best memories was very tough.
So for me now, I find this time of year quite difficult to get through… I remember now how much I struggled last summer. And my mum obviously has a great mother’s instinct and can tell when I am starting to feel low. She has been trying to get me to do all sorts of things and go on outings and stay positive, but I keep not being in the mood.. I don’t want to go out and see everyone else having so much fun; I want to be doing what they are doing. And I could make the effort and physically push myself to do these things, but I know that my head and my heart wouldn’t be in it.
The difference for me this year though is that I have recognised my jealousy and potential downhill spiral and I am going to remedy it. So here is my plan, effective immediately…
1. I have deactivated my Facebook account. I’m glad everyone I know is having such a great summer (that’s genuine, not sarcastic by the way), but I personally do not need to have the constant reminder of it. I am pretty bad at just ignoring my newsfeed.. any hint of boredom and I am on Facebook seeing what people are doing. So I have removed the temptation for now, although I’m sure I will be back once I am feeling better!
2. I am switching off my phone, iPad and laptop…Just for the rest of the day! I live a life of very little privacy; the people close to me always know where I am and what I’m doing because although I am quite independent, I keep them updated with my plans and location so that they don’t worry about me. But every so often I like to cut myself off from everyone and everything for a few hours so that I can feel like I have some time to myself. Sounds really stupid when I am so often complaining about being by myself, but it really is quite a refreshing feeling to have no phone, internet etc.
3. I am going to keep busy and make plans. After a pretty lazy Saturday where I spent a bit of time moping around my apartment, I am having a productive day today… I am doing laundry, chores and exercise. Hopefully the weather will stay dry so I can play some tennis this afternoon. And I am making plans for the next couple of weeks so that I have things to look forward to… nothing crazy, but just enough to keep my happy and busy!
And these three steps are going to help eradicate my summer jealousy… It isn’t exactly a fool proof plan, but it is a short term solution for the next few days at least! At some point I want to face my Cornwall fear and go back down there. I just need to accept that it won’t be the same. I won’t be able to surf or bum around like I used to, but I will just have to deal with that and find something else to do!