Every so often I get really pissed off about what happened to me. I start to feel pretty sorry for myself and dwell on the fact that I was pretty unlucky to have ended up in this situation. Accidents happen but often the damage is temporary, and whoever is affected can go back to their normal life again. But for me this is not the case, and honestly I think it is really really unfair! So when these thoughts start creeping into my mind it is hard to just ignore them.
I start to get frustrated about the things that I can’t do, and focus on these as opposed to the things that I CAN do. I get annoyed at myself for having to take time to do simple things, and to always have to be careful. And I start to really hate catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror (hard to do when gyms are full of massive mirrors). Clothes were designed to look good when you’re standing up and unfortunately for me I am always sitting down. So no outfit ever looks the way it should (i.e. good), and I just look at my reflection and want to cry.
When I feel like this I just want a break from it all. Even just a day when I don’t have to think about all of the boring stuff that comes with a spinal injury. I am constantly thinking about how much I’m drinking, how often I’m peeing, pressure relief, how accessible places are, how I’m going to transfer from A to B… the list goes on. And it becomes absolutely exhausting! I would love someone to just swap bodies with me for a day so that I can fully relax and switch off.
But unfortunately that is not going to happen, so it is up to me to dig deep and pull myself out of my little downward spiral before it gets too bad. I feel that at this exact moment I could go either way… I could keep thinking about all the hassle and effort involved in my life and keep feeling sorry for myself, or I could try and make the most of the situation and get happy again!
I’m quite a logical person and I love anything that is methodical (I’m a bit of a geek really), so I am going to write a list of all the good and positive things that I need to focus on in an attempt to keep myself on track…
1. The weather has surely got to get better soon right?! Sunshine is a massive happy making ingredient. My friend told me that it is meant to be 19 degrees on Sunday, so I am holding out for that… Clemmie, I will not be happy if you have informed me incorrectly.
2. It is my sister’s hen party this weekend. I obviously cannot reveal the details of it because it’s a surprise (I have almost told her about what we’re doing on several occasions..oops!), but I am super excited about it.
3. In a couple of weeks it’s my birthday. I’m really not excited for the fact that it’s my birthday, but more that I have planned a big meal thing with my closest friends/family and that will cheer me up for sure.
4. My new rehab centre Neurokinex (formerly Standing Start, but it has moved, expanded and been renamed) is pretty damn cool. It’s got some awesome new pieces of equipment and is 40 miles closer to where I live. So I’ll be saving money on petrol as well as getting to try new things (I will leave these new things for a separate blog post).
5. In 11 days, two of my awesome friends are running the Virgin London Marathon, and I am soooooo proud of them. They are both running for spinal charities and have been training loads in this never ending winter weather. I will be there next Sunday cheering them on from the sidelines and can’t wait to see them sprinting past!!
6. Struggling to think of more things (I have a solid 5 things already), other than the fact that I am now the proud owner of a juicer. An awesome early birthday present from my mum, and I am now obsessed with juicing.
So all I need to remember is to focus on these things, and not dwell on the bad things. And for right now… there’s a tub of Ben and Jerry’s in my freezer that I think I might have to get involved with.